Chapter 1: 什么是“不惩罚不娇纵”的成长魔法 / What Is the "No-Punishment, No-Spoiling" Growth Magic?

周一的清晨，7岁的 Mia 攥着半盒冰牛奶往餐桌跑，脚底刚蹭到昨天洒的一点苹果汁，整个人往前一扑，整盒牛奶直直砸在铺着碎花棉麻桌布的餐桌上，奶白色的液体顺着桌布褶皱往下淌，还溅上了她今天特意要穿去学校领奖的白衬衫袖口。她吓得僵在原地，嘴唇抖了抖，眼泪已经在眼眶里打转了。 On Monday morning, 7-year-old Mia was running to the dining table with half a carton of cold milk in her hand. Her foot slipped on a little apple juice that had spilled the day before, and she stumbled forward. The whole carton of milk slammed straight onto the table covered with a floral linen tablecloth. White milk flowed down the folds of the cloth, and even splashed onto the sleeve of her white shirt that she had specially planned to wear to school for the award ceremony. She froze on the spot, her lips trembling, and tears were already welling up in her eyes.

这时候，厨房里的妈妈闻声跑出来，不同的大人会有完全不同的反应，你遇到过哪一种？ At this moment, Mom in the kitchen heard the noise and ran out. Different grown-ups will have completely different reactions. Which one have you met?

第一种是「惩罚型反应」：妈妈瞪起眼睛冲过来，声音大得整个房子都能听见：“你怎么这么笨！跟你说了多少次要拿稳东西！今天罚你不许吃早餐，自己把这里收拾干净，收拾不干净不许去上学！” Mia 吓得哭出声，一边抽噎着擦桌子，一边觉得特别委屈：我不是故意的啊，为什么骂我？ The first is a "punitive reaction": Mom runs over with wide eyes, her voice so loud that the whole house can hear it: "How could you be so clumsy! I told you how many times to hold things steady! You are not allowed to eat breakfast today, and you have to clean this up by yourself. You can't go to school until it's clean!" Mia is so scared that she starts crying, wiping the table while sobbing, feeling very wronged: I didn't do it on purpose! Why are you yelling at me?

第二种是「娇纵型反应」：妈妈赶紧冲过来把 Mia 抱在怀里，轻轻拍她的背：“哎呀宝贝有没有烫到？都是这个破桌布的错，我们打它！都是它滑溜溜的才害你摔了。乖，不哭啊，妈妈待会给你买十盒牛奶，再给你买十件新的白衬衫好不好？” Mia 立刻就不哭了，还蹬着脚踢了桌布两下，觉得都是别人的错，和自己没关系。 The second is a "spoiling reaction": Mom rushes over to hug Mia, patting her back gently: "Oh, did you get burned, baby? It's all this stupid tablecloth's fault, let's hit it! It's slippery and made you fall. Be good, don't cry, Mom will buy you ten cartons of milk later, and ten new white shirts, okay?" Mia immediately stops crying, even kicks the tablecloth twice with her feet, thinking it's all someone else's fault and has nothing to do with herself.

你发现了吗？不管是惩罚还是娇纵，大人好像都解决了「牛奶洒了」的问题，但其实都没有解决真正的问题——Mia 下次还是会跑着拿牛奶，还是会打翻，而且她会越来越怕犯错，或者觉得犯错没关系，总有人帮我收拾。 Did you notice that? No matter whether it's punishment or spoiling, it seems that the grown-ups have solved the "spilled milk" problem, but they actually didn't solve the real problem: Mia will still run to get milk next time, and will still spill it. And she will either be more and more afraid of making mistakes, or think it's okay to make mistakes, because someone will always clean it up for me.

两种误区，两种伤害

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你有没有发现，不管是惩罚还是娇纵，其实都是大人把自己的情绪放在了第一位：惩罚型的大人是因为自己生气、觉得麻烦，所以才骂孩子；娇纵型的大人是因为自己不忍心孩子哭、怕麻烦，所以才哄孩子。这两种方式短期看好像有用，但是长期来看，对孩子的影响特别大。 Do you find that no matter whether it's punishment or spoiling, the grown-ups are actually putting their own emotions first? The punitive grown-up yells at the child because they are angry and think it's troublesome; the spoiling grown-up coaxes the child because they can't bear to see the child cry and are afraid of trouble. These two methods seem to work in the short term, but they have a great impact on children in the long run.

美国儿科学会（American Academy of Pediatrics, AAP）2021年发布的一项针对3000名6-12岁儿童的追踪研究显示：*经常被惩罚的孩子，出现焦虑、攻击性行为、撒谎的概率是普通孩子的2.3倍，亲子亲密度得分比普通家庭低34%*；而*经常被娇纵的孩子，出现情绪调节障碍、抗挫能力差、责任感缺失的概率是普通孩子的1.8倍，在同伴中的受欢迎程度比普通孩子低21%*。 A tracking study released by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) in 2021, which followed 3,000 children aged 6-12, showed that: *Children who are often punished are 2.3 times more likely to develop anxiety, aggressive behavior, and lying than ordinary children, and their parent-child intimacy score is 34% lower than that of ordinary families*; while *children who are often spoiled are 1.8 times more likely to have emotional regulation disorders, poor resilience, and lack of sense of responsibility than ordinary children, and their popularity among peers is 21% lower than that of ordinary children*.

斯坦福大学儿童发展研究中心2019年的另一项研究发现：*在惩罚型家庭里长大的孩子，到了青春期之后，和父母发生冲突的概率是正面管教家庭的3.7倍，出现抑郁症状的概率是2.1倍；而在娇纵型家庭里长大的孩子，到了青少年阶段，出现物质滥用、冲动消费、无法适应集体生活的概率是普通家庭的2.4倍*。 Another study by the Stanford University Child Development Research Center in 2019 found that: *Children who grow up in punitive families are 3.7 times more likely to have conflicts with their parents during adolescence than those in positive discipline families, and 2.1 times more likely to show depressive symptoms; while children who grow up in spoiling families are 2.4 times more likely to have substance abuse, impulsive consumption, and inability to adapt to collective life than ordinary families during adolescence*.

我们来做个小对比，你就知道这两种方式的坏处了： Let's do a small comparison, and you will see the harm of these two methods:

| 养育方式 | 孩子犯错时的大人反应 | 孩子的即时感受 | 长期影响 | | --- | --- | --- | --- | | 惩罚型（Punitive Parenting） | 指责、骂、罚站、没收玩具 | 害怕、委屈、愤怒 | 学会撒谎、对抗，缺乏安全感，不敢尝试新事物 | | 娇纵型（Spoiling Parenting） | 替孩子解决、哄、满足所有要求 | 开心、理所当然 | 缺乏责任感，抗挫能力差，只会依赖别人 | | 正面管教（Positive Discipline） | 共情、一起解决问题 | 被理解、有力量 | 学会承担责任，情绪稳定，有解决问题的能力 |

你看，惩罚和娇纵就像两个极端，一个往左歪，一个往右歪，孩子都会被摔疼。那我们有没有一种方法，能既不惩罚孩子，也不娇纵孩子，还能让孩子真的学会做好事呢？ You see, punishment and spoiling are like two extremes, one leaning left and one leaning right, and children will get hurt no matter which side they fall on. So is there a way that we can neither punish children nor spoil them, but also let children really learn to do the right thing?

「不惩罚不娇纵」到底是什么魔法？

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其实真的有这种魔法，它的名字叫「正面管教」，核心就是「不惩罚不娇纵」，而它的魔法咒语就是四个字：和善而坚定。 Actually, there is such magic, its name is "Positive Discipline", and its core is "no punishment, no spoiling", and its magic spell is four words: Kind and Firm.

你可能会问：「和善而坚定」是什么意思？是不是就是要我对孩子好，但是又很凶？当然不是！我们打个比方你就懂了：你骑自行车的时候，需要两个轮子一起转才能走得稳，一个轮子叫「和善」，另一个轮子叫「坚定」，两个轮子一起转，才是正面管教的魔法自行车。 You may ask: "What does 'kind and firm' mean? Does it mean I have to be nice to my child but also very fierce?" Of course not! Let's use an analogy and you will understand: When you ride a bicycle, you need both wheels to turn together to go steadily. One wheel is called "kindness", and the other is called "firmness". Only when both wheels turn together is it the magic bicycle of positive discipline.

• 「和善」是什么？就是尊重孩子，也尊重你自己：不骂孩子、不打孩子、不贬低孩子，就算孩子做错了事，也不说「你真笨」「你真不听话」这种伤人的话，先照顾孩子的感受，也照顾你自己的情绪，不要带着气教育孩子。
• *What is "kindness"? It means respecting your child, and also respecting yourself: don't yell at your child, don't hit them, don't belittle them. Even if your child makes a mistake, don't say hurtful words like "you are so stupid" or "you are so disobedient". Take care of your child's feelings first, and also take care of your own emotions, don't educate your child when you are angry.*

• 「坚定」是什么？就是尊重规则，也尊重情境：不是说你想怎样就怎样，该守的规则还是要守，比如不能打人、不能乱扔东西、到了睡觉时间要上床，但是坚定不是强硬，不是冷着脸逼孩子，是温和地坚持规则，不妥协、不纵容。
• *What is "firmness"? It means respecting the rules, and also respecting the situation: it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want, the rules that should be followed still need to be followed, such as not hitting people, not throwing things randomly, and going to bed when it's time to sleep. But firmness is not harshness, not forcing your child with a cold face, but gently insisting on the rules, not compromising, not indulging.*

你可能会说：「那和善而坚定是不是就是走中间路线，两边讨好？」当然不是！正面管教的创始人简·尼尔森（Jane Nelsen）奶奶说过一句话：「和善而坚定不是走钢丝，小心翼翼怕摔下来，而是两条腿走路，每一步都走得稳。」 You may say: "So is 'kind and firm' just taking the middle road, trying to please both sides?" Of course not! Jane Nelsen, the founder of Positive Discipline, once said: "Kind and firm is not walking a tightrope, carefully afraid of falling, but walking with two legs, and every step is steady."

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